A Dodge Caliber Does NOT Equal One Toyota
[singlepic id=18 w=320 h=240 float=left] As I am wont to do, I got into a car accident (this time a Canadian crashed into me at a red light. Insert your Canadians are terrible drivers jokes here. I know you have them). When I got my rental car, Enterprise kindly asked me what I drove, in order to give me a similar car. I told them I drove a Toyota Corolla.
“Oh!” they beamed. “We have a car JUST LIKE IT!”
They gave me a Dodge Caliber.
Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the official automobile industry lingo, a Dodge Caliber is what car experts would call a “piece of crap,” but they’re too busy laughing at the poor sap who’s driving it to form words. Through the miracle of American engineering, it is impossible to reach both the gas pedal and the brake at the same time. In fact, a Dodge Caliber takes all the most inconvinent parts of other cars and combines them into one bigger car.
“It’s not so bad,” a friend tried to console me. “Look it’s got this nice…hole, right here. Is this supposed to be a shelf? What on earth would you put there?”
While driving the Dodge Caliber I like to come up with slogans for Dodge Calibers. Such as, “Dodge! Moving the Steering Wheel Up is Not an Option!” or “Dodge! If You Can See Over the Dash, We Haven’t Done Our Job!” or “Dodge! Fuck you, Driver!”
If you can’t tell, my point is this car IS NOTHING LIKE A TOYOTA. At most it could be considered Toyota’s annoying, inconvenient cousin who sleeps on Toyota’s couch for a month and manages to get ominous stains on Toyota’s ceiling. Yet every time I have to get a rental car (which is much more often than one would hope) the renters always hand over the keys to a Caliber, assuring me that it’s, at worst, sedan-esque.
I have also never seen anyone drive a Dodge Caliber of their own free will. I feel like these things may all be connected.
I’m starting to formulate the hypothesis that Dodge Calibers only exist in rental places, much like how fruitcake only exists in time for Christmas or visits to your grandmothers’. Some time in the deep past a Dodge engineer (a “Dodgineer”) realized in horror that he had created the Caliber. He dragged them to a rental place to dispose of the auto bodies, but panicked when a renter almost caught him and bolted. Ever since then they have been on the lot, waiting, waiting for a chance to roam freely once more, or as freely as they can with their limited turn radius and unique ability to hydroplane on dry surfaces.
You may be thinking: “Wow. Josie really hates this car.” and the answer would be Yes. I really hate this car. I was hoping to end this tirade with optimism that by next week, my Toyota will be back in commission. But let’s not kid ourselves, I attract fender benders the way…something hilarious attracts something equally as funny. Look, I’m too tired of driving a shitty car to actually put thought and effort into making comedic analogies for you people. Soon enough I will get into another accident and I will be given another Dodge Caliber. I just hope by that point I…end the blog with something funny/poignant/I give up.
This post was brought to you by Dodge. Dodge: The Clunking Means It’s Working!