Fairy Enchantress is a Bitch. Where's Disney?

Fairy Enchantress is a Bitch. Where’s Disney?

I’ve been on a fairy-tale kick for the past few days, and have recently noticed a theme. While the main characters often bring their problems down on their own heads, the instigating thing they do wrong is never that…bad.

“Beauty and the Beast,” for instance. At the beginning, they tell us that the Beast has until his 21st birthday to break the curse, placed on him by the beautiful Enchantress. However, we aso are told the castle has been under the Enchantresses’ spell for 10 years. Which means when the Beast refused to let the ugly old woman in his castle and was cursed, he was TEN.

When I was ten, I ALSO would have refused to let a scary-looking old woman into my house. In fact, my parents spent long hours telling me to NEVER let people into the house, especially ones who gave me a creepy feeling. By this logic, I should also be a hideous monster who has to find true love through an animated musical and talking flatware.

Really, the real lesson here is that enchantresses overreact. Didn’t let a toothless hag inside, kid? Disfigurment! Forget to invite a crazy fairy-on-the-edge to your child’s baptism? Kingdom-wide narcolepsy! Make a petty slight against unhinged magical woman? END OF THE FUCKING WORLD.

Here’s the movie I want to see: fairies getting their comuppence. Someone gives them a slight, they try to curse them, it backfires, and they are forced into whatever enchantment they were about to cast. Most likely this will cause them to be surly and have problems, and, hopefully, piss off another witch or wizard or something and get double-cursed.

There would be a whole act also devoted to travling Gypsies being cursed by modern day teenagers.

If you’re with me, raise your hands. Good. I thought so. you may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.