Oh my, it's suddenly December! Merry Christma--look, I give up.

Oh my, it’s suddenly December! Merry Christma–look, I give up.

I cannot pull a practical joke to save my life. My mind just doesn’t work that way. Not that it’s not devious–its totally devious. Like a bear trap disguised as a sandwich, this mind. And that analogy should tell you all you need to know about my inability to comprehend the level of deviousness needed to pull off an April Fool’s Day prank.

To be fair, there is a measure of reserve involved in planning an April 1st prank, which I also lack. I can’t hit that perfect middle ground where the joke is annoying to the one joked upon, but not physically or emotionally scarring. If asked what we should do to a friend as a prank, my first response will be “shoot him.” When  others tell me they don’t think that is funny or appropriate, I usually fall back on ” then let’s call him Ted for a day” and then give up.

However, over the years I’ve learned to compensate for my disability. Much as a blind person learns to navigate by memorizing every object and landmark in her home and then never leaves her home (this is how the blind do it, right?) I have come up with a list of stock pranks to pull. I am aware of these pranks mainly because they have been pulled on me. So if you want to know what prank I will try today, your options may include:

  • Changing the language on your phone
  • Moving every object in your room slightly to the left so when you wake up you become disturbingly confused
  • Nuggeting.

The last one is my favorite as apparently no one outside of Rockville High School knows what it is. You want me to tell you, but I won’t. That is my ace in the hole. All I’ll say is–OH MY! Look behind you! SOMEONE turned your backpack inside out, placed all your books inside it, then zippered it from the inside, making it impossible to pick up and carry and also making it look like…a chicken nugget.

Bam! Nugget!! HA!!! I’ve got a gun!!! Take that Ted!!!! BAM!!!

APRIL FOOL’S!!!!!!!!!!!!

But seriously, I have a gun. Start dialing 911 now–your phone is in Armenian and it will take a while.