This is always a Test

This is always a Test

After spending a full day at the Hollywood DMV, I am now liscened to drive in California (out of state drivers have to take a written test). In honor of this, I shall regale you with the thrilling and terrifying Excerpts from the CA Drivers Handbook!!!

Congratulations new California resident! The CA Drivers Handbook is your first step to becoming a licensed California driver. The following sections explain the rules of the road, as pertains to both Federal and California State Law.


Highways and Freeways are an integral part of California’s system of roads. When merging onto a highway:

  • Signal for at least 5 seconds before entering the on-ramp
  • Accelerate to the speed of the cars already on the highway
  • Immediately slow as a Cop pulls you over for going the speed of the cars on the highway, which is clearly over the speed limit
  • Accelerate and decelerate as dictated by traffic, police, gaps between cars you think your busted sedan can fit into, missed exits, and the inevitable accident

HOV Lanes are clearly marked by diamonds and double yellow lines you may never cross.


Pedestrians always have the right of way.


Blind Pedestrians are anybody’s game.

Haha, no, the CA Driver’s Handbook likes to kid. Seriously, you’ll never see a blind pedestrian.


Bikes are your enemy. No matter if you’re a cyclist, or you have friends who are, the moment you step into your car that world is DEAD TO YOU. In accordance to state law, on encountering a cyclist:

  • Honk your horn loudly and repeatedly
  • Gesture in anger
  • Try to squeeze the biker off the road

California State Law assures you that you will not get into trouble, as cyclists are all skinny students and hipsters, none who posses the financial strength, or literal strength, to fight you.


You will get a ticket no matter where you park. Are you parked right now? You’re in the wrong spot. Annnnnnd…NOW you have a ticket.


  • If you drive fast enough, red-light cameras cannot detect you and you may break the law. This is know as the “Romulan Cloaking Rule
  • You can park for free for years at the Oakwoods
  • You can park for free for years in the parking lot behind my old apartment
  • The existence of protected left turn lanes is on par with the existence of elves, or jobs
  • Hybrids make less noise than regular cars. Not a law, just something neat we learned writing this handbook
  • You can get a “Grilled Cheese” at In ‘N Out