This is Not Wall-E

This is Not Wall-E

Remember when I posted about our friends, the spiders? Though I did the humane thing and immediately filled my car with so much raid I could have knocked out a dog (by humane I mean good for me, the human) it appears our ooky brethren are not finished with me.

Only this time, it’s not our friend the spider. It’s our  frenemy the cockroach.

Ah, the cockraoch! Eating our food, living in our bathrooms and fridges, leaving their filthy trails over everything we own like a relative who won’t go home and is impervious to most poisons! Unfortinately, for some reason people now think its ok to like our indestructible foe.

“It’s like you’re Wall-E!” my boyfriend declared, upon watching a roach scurry into a drain.

Remember that adorable scene in Wall-E where we think Wall-E squished his pet roach but then it pops up again unscathed? Imagine that scene now in your kitchen. With an army of the roaches. While you try to make a bagel.

“Hey!” my friend exclaimed as I futilely stomped on the ground. “It’s like that thing from Wall-E!”

While the Wall-E pro-roach propaganda machine may have suckered others in, it didn’t get me. Raid, roach bait, visits from the exterminator–all were utilized. I became the Jigsaw of the Periplaneta americana world, laying trap after trap after trap for them (you know its good writing when you reference “Saw”). And I did research on my own into how you can kill them.

You can’t! The best you can do is spray and hope that the Cockroach Gods are merciful and leave to pester your neighbors. They leave trails like ants, they swarm like bees, and are more impervious to death than a blockbuster action hero.

Oh, and they also used to be GIANT.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, though. I know there’s life without roaches because I’ve lived that life, known that dream. I’m talking fumigation with the exterminator now, and I hope those assholes of the Order Blattaria understand that I’m coming for them. And when the day comes that I can put food back in my fridge, when I can eat off countertops, when I can open a drawer without fearing the sight of a scurrying shadow, on that day I will look down upon my foe and they will know:

This is not Wall-E.